Hello! It’s been a while, huh? I’ve now finished up my thesis and graduated college with a degree in English (which my dad likes to joke is about as useless as a payphone nowadays). And as I mentioned briefly in my last post, I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. It was my first major breakup and, although I’ll admit that it was tough adjusting to a life without someone who was so much a part of me, I’ve been okay. I’m a survivor (sorry, emotional stuff typically makes me break out the cheesy adages).

Anyway, I’ve learned that one of the worst feelings to deal with is the anxiety that accompanies a newfound singleness. Soon after the breakup, my mind was flooded constantly with troubling questions: Did I get what I deserve? Will I be alone forever? What if no one else wants me? I know that these are fairly normal questions young (and clearly melodramatic) women face. But I  had one more thought that wouldn’t cross most girls’ minds: would guys still be attracted to me when they saw my artificial left arm? I knew that guys could be attracted to me, of course, but I just assumed that took time for them to get to know me as a person and get over the shock of my arm. I never believed someone could be into me and my looks (complete with the robot hand) before getting to know me.

My theory was that a prosthetic limb serves as an automatic turnoff to any normal red-blooded male. However, said theory was proven incorrect a few weeks ago during a bus ride home from work. It was mid-April so I was wearing a light sweater, but you could easily see that the hand was fake and not very humanlike. The man in the seat behind me thought it was a good idea to swing over to the open seat next to me and strike up a conversation. He started by asking about my arm, so I thought he was just another curious busybody wondering what “happened” to me. But when I was finished explaining, he stuck around and kept asking me questions. By the time we reached his stop, he was asking for my number and trying to make plans for our next meeting.

I never did go out with him, but the experience served to ease my worries. Here I was, being approached on a bus by a random (and yes, cute) stranger trying to flirt with me despite knowing all about my limb difference. And while I could probably write the incidence off as a fluke or a one-time thing, I can tell you that that was not the only time it happened. I’ve come to realize that the world of guys and dating is not as scary as I used to think. Not all guys are shallow jerks looking for perfection in a girl. And a perceived flaw like a limb difference doesn’t immediately preclude a man’s attraction to a girl. I don’t know if it’s my smile or my walk or the way I wear my hair on certain days, but I’ve come to understand that something appealing or interesting about my person almost always outweighs the shock of my very different-looking arm when it comes to dating. And  that’s sort of a beautiful thing.

Peace,

Caitlin Michelle

And in case you were wondering, the answer is yes – I’m currently seeing someone new now.

(images found on Pinterest.com)

I was tempted to title this post “going out on a limb” or something clever like that, but I won’t subject you to that cheesiness. Besides, I will warn you: this post doesn’t really have much of anything to do with my arm.

I have news that I’m not sure I’ve shared on this blog yet: I’m graduating college this May. After 4 years of reading and writing and studying, I’ll officially get my BA in English (and a minor in Psychology). I’ve been very lucky to land a full-time job and kickstart my career in media before I’ve even received my college diploma. But moving into the adult world brings with it lots of change and newness. In college, I had lunch with my friends every day, enjoyed long periods of time between classes (those were great for napping), and survived on a diet of junk food and coffee that fueled the all-nighters I frequently pulled. Now I’m officially a grownup. I have to look presentable at work and catch up on my sleep after a long day at the office. I don’t see my friends as often as I would like, and my life is a lot more structured. That’s not always a good thing, though. I’ll admit that the changes triggered some post-college blues I initially tried to ignore and push aside. There were the existential questions that haunted me, more than ever when I wasn’t distracted by cramming for an exam or trying to put a lab report together. I still often wonder about my life and where it’s going and what it means. I think a lot of people yearn for these answers on some level. And it’s frustrating because we all want our lives to mean something and we want to give our lives meaning. There’s a certain quote by the poet Mary Oliver that keeps making its way into the forefront of my mind:

I can’t say I have my life all figured out. I haven’t even decided on a cohesive philosophy to use as a lens through which to understand this great big world. But I know that the best way to deal with this feeling of emptiness and hunger for meaning is to try different things. I want to explore my interests and challenge myself to go beyond what’s comfortable. I want to be happy, not just content with everything. I want things to stop feeling so blah. So with that being said (er…written?), I’m going to hold myself accountable for my own happiness. There are so many things I want to experience, and I think that it’s a good a time as any to begin living as fully as I can. So this is the moment where I start taking my personal pursuit of happiness seriously. I need to go out into the world and try the things that scare me most, that perhaps I once thought I couldn’t achieve. And here are some of the things I’d like to accomplish by the end of this year – a bucket list of sorts:

- Take yoga classes – I’ve always loved the tranquility and the Eastern philosophy associated with this practice, and anyone who knows me can tell you I can certainly use a bit of meditation. I have a very loud mind and tend to get stressed or anxious very quickly, so calming my thoughts sounds like a great idea. I’m particularly interested in aerial yoga, where you hang upside down from silks tied to the ceiling. How cool is that?!

- Attend a ComicCon – This sounds super nerdy, but I’ve always dreamed of getting all dressed up and being a superhero for a day. I’m not into anime at all and I don’t really read comic books, but I could totally be Supergirl or Wonder Woman or even a version of Bionic Woman.

- Skydive – Ask someone what’s on their “bucket list,” and I’m sure 90% of people will mention skydiving. It seems that jumping out of a plane at I-don’t-know-how-many-thousand feet from the ground is the epitome of exhilaration (and insanity too, probably). I can’t wait to feel fearless falling through the sky.

- Learn archery – If you keep up with news about the Paralympic Games, you’ve probably heard of the Armless Archer Matt Stutzman. I’d love to try my hand (sorry, I can’t stay away from really lame puns today) at being a sort of hybrid between Matt Stutzman and The Hunger Games protagonist Katniss Everdeen.

- Run a 5K – This one is pretty uncharacteristic of me. I’ve never been a runner, and I think I look a bit like an uncoordinated ostrich when I try to run. But when one of my close friends suggested we all sign up for a 5K run together, I figured it wouldn’t be a terrible idea. Besides, I’m trying hard to get fit and stay in shape, so a run could do me some good.

- Wear a bathing suit fearlessly – Confession: I haven’t worn a bikini in public since I was maybe 4 years old. Even at my skinniest (which was superskinny), I felt  awkward and uncomfortable with my figure. Last year, I bought a really cute two-piece swimsuit, but it’s currently sitting in my drawer with the tags still attached. I’m hoping to tone up my body and rock that bikini this summer.

- Start a YouTube channel – I love what Ryan Haack from Living One-Handed has done with his YouTube account. He’s made instructional videos so that people with upper limb differences can learn to do things, well, one-handed. The thing is that Ryan’s a dude. And I’m itching to make a video on how I paint my nails or pull my hair up. I’m just super camera shy. Maybe one day….

Before you judge or say anything about these goals I’ve made for myself, I’ll have you know that I’m completely aware that they won’t necessarily bring me happiness. Real happiness is a huge blend of things, I think. It’s a very complicated equation involving love and friends and good deeds and puppies, but I’ve never been any good at math. All I know is that happiness is worth pursuing, and it’s something that everyone deserves. So I’m going to surrender the existential ennui and make it happen for myself. This isn’t about proving myself or overcompensating for my disability; it’s about being free and fearless and happy and alive.

Peace,

Caitlin Michelle